Unexpected Solidarity

Like many, I’ve struggled with mental weakness and dependency. I’m going to be vague here, I may even use too many adjectives to explore my vagueness. This is not a personal account, so I hope some can relate.

Until recently, I let destructive vices (substances and people) control my state of mind, especially during this last year. For months, not only did I feel alone in physical solitude, but the loneliness increased when around others. I can’t explain what made me overcome this despair. I’m fortunate to have done so without the help of therapy or drugs. I’d like to believe I let this recovery happen organically. One day – yes really this transpired in one day; instead of the usual lip service “I must stop dwelling, I don’t need to be feeling this way” I felt something more liberating and effective. I began to crave a hobby and a plan for myself, for my future. I began to feel hope and excitement. I guess I became mindful of mydesultory self-concept. Wow, the word desultory couldn’t be more accurate in my self-analysis. Perhaps this sounds preposterous, but in my 24 years I have never wanted anything beyond temporary gratification. “Love”, alcohol, social/intimate acceptance, and appearance were the only relevant components in my life. I avoided the thought of myself because I never believed I was “good” at anything. I functioned as a by-product for several years. Now, I am finally moving. I’m not staring at the wall for several empty hours anymore. I’m not anxiously awaiting for that message or call anymore. I haven’t found any new male distractions to further delude me while I’m in this “recovery.” I’m “alone”, but gosh, I hate that word. Rather, I’m in solidarity with myself. I’m not desultory anymore.

The only fluid desire is to have control over nothing, not anyone, except oneself.

-e.b.